you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
