You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize