Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My pussy is not your playground.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize