ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
