go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
