Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
that may or may not have been my penis.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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