Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
