Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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