Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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