apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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