i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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