Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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