How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
