i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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