Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
