the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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