bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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