I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize