let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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