Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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