M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Of course I have a pirate flag
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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