Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
