just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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