My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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