Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize