So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
