Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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