Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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