remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
