the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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