they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
