I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
