You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She bit a glass in half.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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