Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize