i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
