My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
