I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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