Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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