Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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