I just threw up on my dentist
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you didnt know i had herpes?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
