I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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