It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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