a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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