Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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