I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
