the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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