I wish I could teleport
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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