My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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