Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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