I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
They took my balls.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
