didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
