O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
