Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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