I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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