the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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