So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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