Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
