we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
